If you are looking for Glamour, Gadgets and Grissom you won't find them here. Forget what you think you know about 'Forensics', these are the tales of one man and his brush. Of course these views do not represent the views of any Police Force or indeed reflect any Force Policies ya da ya.

Sunday, 17 June 2007

New Digs

We may soon be moving offices, to a smaller Police Station and we will have the entire premises to ourselves. There will be more space for us to barricade ourselves into our desk with exhibits and we'll have more storage facilities for bread, milk and Post Mortem samples. Even better though when it's the 'Q' word (we try not to say 'quiet' for fear of the Karma gods punishing us) we can sit with our feet up watching miserable Soaps on the TV without worrying about surprise visits from the management team.

Change can be quite exiting, but the move isn't to accommodate us at all,no siree! it's all part of the SMTs obsession with creating Teams/Squads/depts that have limited use but do enough to disrupt everyone around them, then after a while when it doesn't work it all changes back to normal and we end up switching offices again. All at a nice cost to the taxpayer. Anyway the new team/squad/dept want our office for logistical reasons (it's nearer the vending machine.), so I'm hoping we get purpose made digs to sweeten the deal. I have decided to base my shopping list on the corridors of the Las Vegas Crime Lab.

1. I want all rooms to be Glass Partitioned, except for the Toilet.

2. I want a see-through 'whiteboard' to draw complex diagrams upon (and crudely drawn penises)

3. I want a lightbox as big as a Snooker table to do huge reconstructions on and to see which donut has the most jam in it.

4. I want at least 5 plasma screens in each room all showing exactly the same thing, and if possible have our crappy system enhanced by snazy graphics.

5. I want a huge glass cabinet with lots of Jars on them, and eerie lighting throughout the office to create that serious mood ala the X files.

6. A cabinet to shoot firearms into, preferably the cabinet that stores all our PDRs

A man can dream, I'd settle for a new Kettle though!


Mr Mans Wife said...

You mean you don't already have these things?? The illusion has been shattered. I don't know how I can watch CSI ever again...

Roses said...

I'm not sure I can live with this disappointment. No Who soundtrack. No glass walls. No hi tech gadgetry.

Next minute you're going to tell me, you don't get to interview suspects, carry a gun and make the bad guys cry when you confront them with the evidence?


Does that mean you get stuck in offices with small windows, work on wobbly desks, and have to walk to another department to photocopy stuff, cause yours is always broken? Like real people?

CSI:UK said...

I'm sorry, but I'm sure there will be more myth-busting to come. My advice is to find an internet equivalent of putting your fingers in your ears and singing 'I'm not listening!'

As fantastic as we are we are not impervious to the odd wobbly desk or broken equipment, we are as hamfisted as most people.

Girl*Next*Door said...

So does that mean you don't have the blindingly white teeth, the perfectly chiselled rugged, brooding good looks, the dark hair, the 'handsome' stubble, the tortured relationship with your ex who you just cant get over until you realise just how unbelievably sexy your sidekick is, who you then marry & she fixes your broken heart, until you get killed tragically by a freak fall as you rescue a small blonde haired child from the clutches of evil that is. No?

Ah well, back to the wobbly desk & plastic kettle it is then, I'm all disappointed now, thought that was how glamorous all CSI was..... ;)

Sim said...

But I bet you have a sexy white outfit with hood, matching shoe covers and a face mask??

Question is, do you wear it with sunglasses like Horatios??

thinblueline said...

kettle ?
whats wrong with the hot water tap...

Anonymous said...

Look, it's now Friday 22/06/07 and you haven't updated your Blog for 6 days!! If I don't have updated blogs to read at work, I might have to do something and, as I work for a Council, that would never do :o)

Anonymous said...

would you like a hug? I'm pretty good at hugs and could probably sell them. I'll give you your first hug for free, just as a taster :o)