If you are looking for Glamour, Gadgets and Grissom you won't find them here. Forget what you think you know about 'Forensics', these are the tales of one man and his brush. Of course these views do not represent the views of any Police Force or indeed reflect any Force Policies ya da ya.

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

A Touch of the Quincys

I have every respect for the medical profession, I can't be trusted to be responsible for someones lunch order let alone their lives and like most Emergency services they work bloody hard, work unsociable hours, deal with lots of unpleasantness and their pay is inversely proportionate to their efforts. Very often in the 'Emergosphere' (D'ya like that? I just made that up)our paths cross, most commonly with Ambo Crews at various crime scenes and A & E Doctors when assessing a patients condition following a RTC/Attack/Fall/Failed Suicide.

Most of these people are sound level headed people who you would happily entrust you life too, there are however the very few who get a little excited and over-enthusiastic when dealing with Police incidents, we call this 'A touch of the Quincys' So far this year I have had a Life threatening injury end up as a common assault, a woman who was gang raped turn into some young girl who lost her virginity consentingly and a 'Shaking Baby Death' which was just a very unfortunate Sudden Infant death for a very very lovely family ( who were still lovely after all the interviewing and veiled accusation's)

Still it's a hard and stressful environment to work in, after all I managed to get a Urine sample from a deceased neck at a Post Mortem so we all make mistakes.

Saturday, 21 July 2007

Pissing Rain

I hate the rain, I'm stuck at home when I originally planned to drive somewhere along the welsh coast taking photos with my girlfriend and dog in tow. Instead I'm staring at a blank screen trying to think of some witty anecdote to swell the archives of my blog.

How I wish I was touring the coasts of New South Wales, Australia, unfortunately they only employ Police Officers as CSIs otherwise I'd be applying for the position Gargoyle vacated.

Tuesday, 17 July 2007

What do you make?

The good thing about working shifts is that you get days off in the week when everyone else is at work. This is great for shopping in town centres, as it is always quiet if you avoid the lunch hours.

I was sitting in one of those generic coffee shops pretending to be all hip, young and cosmopolitan with my Cappafrappemuchopenco coffee when I overheard a sales pitch from a very attractive woman to a couple of middle aged executive types and I though to myself 'Cor, fancy being at 'work' whilst in a coffee shop? And I bet they get paid loads for the privilege'

This caused me to consider my own vocation and how much I earn and you know what it made me feel good! I may earn a lot less than these chaps but I couldn't bear to work in the 'Business Industry' again, done it before and didn't like it, it was boring and un-fulfilling . It's important to me that I enjoy my job and I do, I also like to think I make a difference. I know it's a bit cheesy but at least I know the results of my hard work help in some way instead of earning more money for huge companies. The whole internal rant I was having to myself at the time reminded me of this: -

I'll go back into work tomorrow with renewed enthusiasm, not that the Business Industry doesn't have it place, it's jut not for me.

Friday, 13 July 2007

Red Herring

I don't usually like to criticize officers much especially as a) Most of those that blog, provide a link to me and b)relations between Civvies and Coppers are already frayed. But when they try to muscle in on my turf it gets me a bit grumpy.

Today I was rushed from a very important shopping errand (cakes for the Office!) to attend a Burglary where the Officer had announced to the victim that there were Footprints and Fingerprints everywhere and replayed this find across the radio. I looked at my colleague and we both rolled our eyes and groaned. 'Why?'you ask, shouldn't we be pleased that there is obviously evidence left at the scene helping identify an offender?. If that were the case then yes. But unfortunately experience has taught me that when an officer can see fingerprints they are usually dirty glovemarks and the footprints will probably be clumps of mud in the carpet.

Now this isn't a huge issue, you can forgive the Officers ignorance as over-enthusiastic optimism and they do not have that SOCO trained eye. But it does get the Victims hopes up, only for us to turn up and scupper them with a sharp intake of breath like a Car mechanic telling you bad news. Indeed this was the case today, the victim found it hard to accept at first because the nice Officer had told her about the 'evidence', but after a little explaining all was good and no cakes suffered as a result.

So if you are a Police Officer and you think you can see Fingerprints then they are probably not Fingerprints, when faced with this Paradox you should simply say 'Keep away/don't touch that area until the nice (handsome and rugged) Forensic Man turns up.'

Tuesday, 10 July 2007

Angel of Mercy

We in the Police business are a superstitious lot at times. Like the use of the 'Q' word instead of 'Quiet' for fear of the wheel falling off and hell breaking loose. There are people labeled 'Shit Magnets' for their uncanny ability to attract trouble and there are your 'Dr Deaths' who always have the mortally challenged gravitating towards their particular shift pattern.

Me, I'm an 'Angel of Mercy' apparently, I must have attended around about 30 - 35 potentially fatal RTCs (Road Traffic Collisions) out of those only three have died, one of which died before he crashed his car so technically that shouldn't count. Anyhow some of these 'collisions' have been pretty horrendous and occupants of which were very lucky to survive, so the upshot is, if your gonna have crash make sure its on my patch when I'm on duty. Alternatively Drive Safely :)

Thursday, 5 July 2007

Posing for the Press.

One of the disadvantages of a major scene for any Police Officer or Staff is the unwanted attention of the Press. Making the front page of the Local paper guarding or working at a scene may very well expose your vocation to people you'd rather not know, especially if you live near some local scroaty types. Luckily for me most Photographers wait until we are wearing our white suits and masks before snapping away as this looks more sensational. Some of my colleagues love it though and make the extra effort to pose for the cameras. To be honest if you talk to Press Photographers and ask them not to get your face in the picture, they are usually okay as long as you give them a couple of 'shots'(darhling!)

All this half arsed terrorism we have been having lately reminded me of my debut on the front page of the Local Rag. I was at the scene of a 'Controlled Explosion' when the press turned up, it wasn't a white suit type of scene, so I was there in my normal work clothes and exposed face! (on a bad hair day no less). The photo on the front page had two pictures, one of the vehicle in question and another of me and the Inspector talking to the two EOD officers (Bomb Squad). The opening lines to the report read something like 'These were the dramatic scenes after a quiet *insert town name* street was sealed off for Bomb Disposal experts........', then a caption under my picture saying, 'Police and Bomb Disposal officers discuss events as the drama unfolds.' The Drama was actually me directing, with the help of the Inspector, the 'Bomb Disposal Experts' to the nearest Greasy Cafe!

Monday, 2 July 2007

Cone War

I arrived at work today to find I couldn't park in my usual spot outside the station. Due to recent events our station has employed a revelation in the War Against Terror, the Traffic Cone. Contrary to my beliefs Bombs must only have a blast radius of a few metres given that the opposite side of the road (away from the station) is open to parking. Airport chiefs are apparently thrilled at this new initiative and are in the process of erecting 2 foot high Velvet Rope barriers around all the major airports. Gordon Brown has applauded these efforts and has promised to have a CAUTION WET FLOOR sign outside the Houses of Parliament by the end of the day.

I mean what a waste of money, with the increase in NO SMOKING signs recently, have we not already used taxpayers money to great effect to deter would-be-terrorists.

Sunday, 1 July 2007

Mini Justice.

Not specifically Work related but a warming story. Now I don't know about you but I despise Mini-Motos, don't get me wrong they look like a lot of fun, but unless you have a huge back garden or access to some private land, what the hell is the point in spending lots of money on them. Obviously some Dads are over compensating for being a shocking parent or just want to play on them themselves.

One day I was walking my dog nearby the local station, on our way back home our paths cross with a couple of friendly constables, we exchange pleasantries and we continue home. The remainder of our walk is interrupted by some idiot on a Mini-Moto tearing up the pavement like a bad-boy 40 year old with no brains, which is not surprising considering he was a brainless boy in his 40s. Rotten luck thought I, he has just missed some of the Queens finest who surely would have reprimanded him quite tersely. I did think of phoning myself, but didn't want to be that person who phones constantly and I was hoping he'd give up and go home.

We continue our walk and the diminutive Barry Sheen turns a corner, seconds later more constables appear in a vehicle turning from another corner, I try to get their attention but to no avail and I feel another opportunity for justice has passed. Our walk continues with the distance sound of an overworked giant hairdryer motor singing into the evening.

We stop off at the local shop for a bottle of water, when who should walk in behind me, but our very own Easy Rider, looking very flushed he speaks and addresses all the patrons in the shop, 'I don't suppose any of you have found £40 in two £20 pound notes, they were in my pocket a minute ago and it's now gone?' ....... Silence! Oh how I laughed, twice this man was lucky enough to bypass the local fuzz and eventually he got his come-uppence . For once the Karma Gods were on my side.