If you are looking for Glamour, Gadgets and Grissom you won't find them here. Forget what you think you know about 'Forensics', these are the tales of one man and his brush. Of course these views do not represent the views of any Police Force or indeed reflect any Force Policies ya da ya.

Monday, 27 August 2007

Morning After

My long weekend off conveniently fell on a Bank Holiday weekend, so Fri, Sat, Sun and today have been like a holiday without using up precious Annual Leave days. Me and the Missus had a lovely camping trip, then did some shopping in town today spending all my hard earned Money. In two weeks time I'm off to the USA and Canada for a few weeks, so life is pretty exciting at present. We have been saving for a big holiday for ages so it felt like we hadn't been away for a while.

Unfortunately the work doesn't stop when I go off gallivanting, so here are a few guarantees of what tomorrow will bring.

  • There will be several Photo albums on my desk all requiring Statements and Exhibit Labels
  • Various Statement requests written on Post It notes on my desk which are needed urgently '..as the full file was due last week....'(how does that make it my problem!)
  • There will be a bag full of treated exhibits to enter into the Property System.
  • There will be a snotty note on my desk from my boss for something trivial I forgot to do before I went off duty last, like wash up or turn off my laptop.
  • A mysterious cup and paperwork will have been left on my desk from someone who came into the office for a 'chat'.
  • No working pens on my desk
  • There will be a huge list of emails to trawl through, the most useless of which are usually the ones from a) a person you have never met's invite to their retirement do, b) someone who you couldn't care less about finally dropping a spoglette c) some jargon filled email from IT stating the Earth will be down, so consult your Oracle during the downtime and soon you Server will be up??? and d) the most useless of all emails, a message from Witness Warnings, asking for my court availability from now until the end of time for a case I remember little about and no useful details have been included in the text.

On top of all this I sure there will be a deluge of jobs mostly from companies who have closed for the Bank Holiday and have returned to find they have been broken into. Of course they will all be demanding they be visited straight away so they can clear the mess up and continue trading. I think I feel a stomach bug coming on....................

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

Cordon Blues

What is it about Police Tape that once erected around a scene it automatically becomes invisible to certain members of the community?. I cannot recall all of the times I have had to shoo people out of my scene because they didn't notice the Police Tape they just moved aside. It's there for a reason people! No you can't come past just because your mate lives on the other side of the road or it's the quickest route to the taxi rank and certainly not because you left you bloodied knife on the floor!

Also whilst I understand the initial intrigue and suspense of a cordoned off scene and the constant rubber necking why on earth do people stand on the cordons edge for hours on end. I have had families sitting on their garden furniture at 3 O'Clock in the morning, all dressed in Pyjamas and Dressing gowns watching me take photos and swab blood whilst drinking warm cups of tea. Now I don't mind an audience, but at least offer me a bloody drink!

The best kind of Scene lurkers though are the groups of drunk Women out on the town, I've had Bus loads of Hen Parties waving at me, girls trying to hug and kiss me and the odd inappropriate comment about swabbing and examining other areas. The only reason this annoys me is that it's possibly the only time I ever get any attention from drunk women, I'm thinking of wearing my white suit out next time I have a night on the town.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

Call of the Mild

Zephyr on another blog reminded me of the beauty of being on call for work. Unlike Zephyr I don't mind being on call, usually if I get called out it's to something decent and the troops are always happy to see me swagger through the scene Camera in one hand and Tickling stick in the other. I'll finish up in no time so they can scoot off get some hot refs and a sleep.

Now it's not nice being woken up in the middle of the night and getting re-called to work after you have already put in a late-shift, but if you have a decent scene to get you teeth stuck into and you know that your contribution will count in the whole scheme of things, then an interruption into your sleep pattern is a small price to pay. Plus you get paid overtime from the time you were woken up to the time you get back to bed.

However, we do get turned out to some shite jobs, that either didn't really require us or could have waited until the morning. Unfortunately when awoken out of a deep slumber you loose the ability to ask relevant and probing questions in order to determine whether it's worth leaving your pit for. Most of the time it's the Controller who phones you and they usually have no idea why you are required other than the Inspector has asked for you, so there must be a genuine reason. And then by the time you get out of bed and arrive at the scene, things have calmed down a bit and that messy scene covered in blood is actually a few spots on the doorstep of a pub exaggerated by whichever Officer first attended after getting caught up in the moment.

Controller - 'Hello its the Control Room here we need to turn you out'

ME - 'Urrgghh mmm urrr ......Mom? .......Err yes, Umm what for'

Controller - 'We've had an Arson and need you at the scene.'

ME - 'Err umm OK I'll be there as soon as I can.'

So I jump on my trusty steed and head off into the night! Arrive at the station like a bloodthirsty vampire only it's Coffee I crave, and guess what, I have to make my own!

Insp 'Ahh thanks for turning out, the scene's been closed since we last called you, but the officer has retrieved some evidence for you.'

ME 'Uhh Whaa Buhh.......'

Insp 'It's in the front office, gotta go very important see, toodles'

Constable in Front Office - 'Sorry mate, the Insp insisted you come to the scene before he even got there, turns out the petrol bomb didn't smash and the intended victim stamped on the wick and put it out. Now, have you got any Nylon bags?, and how to do you package these things?.....'

ME (dying a little inside) - 'Oh give it here, I'll do it for you, I'm out now, may as well earn my overtime..............mumblegrumblemuttter......'

Friday, 3 August 2007

Just Another Victim

I'm a statistic now! I'm a victim of Credit Card Fraud! Some bugger has been enjoying the high life in a Singapore Hotel on my bloody credit card details! Whilst he was drinking Champagne in a hot tub entertaining the local ladies for hire, I was putting in a days hard graft.

So today I have to phone the local station for a Crime Number. Fraud is an area of Police Work that I know little about, so I am not too sure on the chances of nailing this person are or indeed finding out how he came across my Credit Card details. If I had my way, I would be closing down the Hotel room, getting on the next flight to Singapore with my trusty case in hand and be 'Processing' the scene in no time. Of course in order to truly get into the mind of my offender, I would have to sample all the delights he did, on overtime as well!