If you are looking for Glamour, Gadgets and Grissom you won't find them here. Forget what you think you know about 'Forensics', these are the tales of one man and his brush. Of course these views do not represent the views of any Police Force or indeed reflect any Force Policies ya da ya.

Saturday, 2 June 2007

CSI Squad!

With all this talk of Civvies vs Police staff, I wonder back to the time when I was on the verge of putting an application in for 'The Job' myself. I had been trying for a couple of years to get a SOCO job but they were all being filled by already experienced SOCOs who were moving areas to suit their personal circumstances. I was close to giving up and looking for a career elsewhere in the force.

Looking back I'm glad I eventually got into SOCO, not that being a Officer would have been that bad, I just really wanted to do crime scene work (this was way before the likes of CSI Las Vegas etc..) I only wish there was more drama involved like in American cop shows. I have therefore made a list of my needs as a dynamic risk taking maverick CSI.

I want blue lights on my van, not overt ones but ones behind the grill and on the sun visors.

I want sparks to appear under my van when exiting the rear yard.

I want a holster for my brush, and my brush will be known as an inoffensive old womans name like Barbara or Enid.

I want to be able to use the expression ' The DA's breathing down my neck to clinch this case.' every once in a while.

I want the chief to say 'You're a maverick and a loose-cannon, you're suspended give me your badge and your brush.' and as I hand them over he looks at the Zephyr brush concealed in my socks and goes '..and the other one!'

I want to eat hot dogs and drink coffee from street-side vendors whilst talking passionately about my current case with my demographic pleasing ethnic sidekick.

I want a complex love life and alcohol dependency, that will inevitably cause me to loose my wife, who I then win back by saving her from bad men after a short spell in rehab.

I want to die in dramatic circumstances retrieving evidence that proves beyond doubt a serial murder case, when I have only two days until retirement.

It's not much to ask is it?


Sayonara said...

What you really need in day to day SOCOing is a montage. Or preferably one a week, whenever there is a lot to be done and little time to do it in, or if a particularly complicated explanation needs to be delivered without actually explaining anything.

Ian said...

Now I know you have been watching too much telly.....

CSI:UK said...

I really could have used a montage this weekend sayonara, no wonder CSI get Process scenes, interview suspects then examine trace evidence as well as being the first in the door at house raids. Montages are the way forward, I wonder if our force has a Montage Budget?

Sayonara said...

You have not updated in a whole 3 days. This simply is not on at all, there can't be THAT many fingerprints awaiting matches and skulls to reconstruct.

Or are you working on a montage? That would be a good excuse.

CSI:UK said...

Sorry Sayonara, I was trying to keep up some momentum on this blog as I think my readership is slowly growing. I have just been really busy, I certainly could have done with a good montage over the weekend.

Sayonara said...

Hurrah! I was just getting bored of t'internet too.

Anonymous said...

OOOOOO. Thats the best thing I have read in an age. I would like to add my own experiences but am far too scared of my sceret identity being found out....!

Anonymous said...

it's a good blog to read

but the 3 murders in one night i can't help but think they may have been connected

maybe in a quantum way

Anonymous said...

i meant deaths deaths not murders

maybe something quantum?

like on that film with interelating circumstances people didn't directly know each other

maybe you need more resources

Michaella Cobby said...

please can you help me with some advice on how to start to become a csi ? ty . tigger.cobby1@googlemail.com